ohmyzsh/plugins/chucknorris/fortunes/chucknorris

King Kong climbed the Empire State building in fear of Chuck Norris who was downstairs at the time.
%
"2012" is code for, Chuck Norris when he is pissed.
%
"The Big Chuck Norris Roundhouse-Kick Theory"
%
"The wind cries Chuck Norris"
%
"Walker Texas Ranger: The Movie 3-D" was considered by Warner Brothers; however the technology to create the visual effects will never be possible.
%
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
%
Abraham Lincoln didn't die because he was shot, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked so fast his foot went back in time and killed Abraham Lincoln.
%
Achievement Unlocked: Chuck Norris of Death
%
After Chuck counted to infinity the first time, he vowed to count to infinity a second time....by counting the bodies of those previously roundhoused.
%
Aliens fear that Chuck Norris might abduct them.
%
An angry glare from Chuck Norris is known to kill on the spot.
%
Behind every successful man is Chuck Norris.
%
Beware of dogs... Dogs, beware of Chuck Norris.
%
Bruce Lee didn't defeat Chuck Norris.  Chuck hit Bruce with a Delayed roundhouse kick that was so fast that Lee only felt the impact a year later!
%
CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
%
Casinos pay Chuck Norris not to play at anything or wish anyone good luck.
%
Chuck Norris - the new standard.
%
Chuck Norris CAN balance the light-switch between ON and OFF.
%
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
%
Chuck Norris CAN spell with an I before E even after C.
%
Chuck Norris can play the theme from the Twilight Zone with his beard.
%
Chuck Norris can power solar panels. At night.
%
Chuck Norris watches "the Nat.Geo. Specials" on Discovery Channel.
%
Chuck Norris bowled a 301 after constructing another pin out of his beard hair.
%
Chuck Norris burnt a fire proof vest, UNDERWATER!
%
Chuck Norris can French kiss his elbow.
%
Chuck Norris can bake in a freezer.
%
Chuck Norris can defuse a bomb by cutting the wrong wire.
%
Chuck Norris can dig a hole in air.
%
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
%
Chuck Norris can do a regime change with a roundhouse kick.
%
Chuck Norris can fit 10 gallons of water in a 5 gallon bucket.
%
Chuck Norris can grill a popsicle.
%
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
%
Chuck Norris can make his own megazord "The Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kickers Ultimate Super Awesome Megazord".
%
Chuck Norris can milk an alligator.
%
Chuck Norris can play the death waltz with his chin.
%
Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick someone through a window without breaking the glass.
%
Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick round houses into squares.
%
Chuck Norris can rub two fires together and make a stick!
%
Chuck Norris can see in 3D with just one eye.
%
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
%
Chuck Norris can terminate a repeating decimal.
%
Chuck Norris can turn toast back into bread.
%
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
%
Chuck Norris can win in a top spinning tournament with a cube.
%
Chuck Norris can't perform Hadoukens, he IS a Hadouken.
%
Chuck Norris checks under his bed for Fedor Emelianenko because he takes Fedor to the vet regularly.
%
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
%
Chuck Norris created Heavy Metal when he was upset.
%
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
%
Chuck Norris does not have a cell phone because he hears everything.
%
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
%
Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
%
Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number, you just answer the wrong phone.
%
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death, he beats it fair and square.
%
Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
%
Chuck Norris doesn't eat, he just sucks the energy out of food by staring at it.
%
Chuck Norris doesn't exhale. The air runs desperately scared out of his lungs.
%
Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING.
%
Chuck Norris doesn't let it go.
%
Chuck Norris doesn't like Mudkipz.
%
Chuck Norris doesn't look for fun. The fun looks for Chuck Norris.
%
Chuck Norris doesn't need a bulletproof vest. He catches them with his bare hands.
%
Chuck Norris doesn't need air, he is air.
%
Chuck Norris doesn't need sunglasses, the sun needs Chuck Norris glasses.
%
Chuck Norris doesn't need to brush his teeth, his spit acts as a bleach.
%
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
%
Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
%
Chuck Norris doesn't eat salad, he eats vegetarians.
%
Chuck Norris doesn't wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
%
Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.
%
Chuck Norris doesn't carry a list. He always knows what to do.
%
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
%
Chuck Norris drowned a man ON LAND.
%
Chuck Norris fed the Hunger Games.
%
Chuck Norris found the hay in the needle stack.
%
Chuck Norris found the last digit of pi.
%
Chuck Norris had a knife thrown at him. The knife didn't impale him; he impaled the knife.
%
Chuck Norris has a battle cruiser AND a car.
%
Chuck Norris has killed the Dead Sea.
%
Chuck Norris has made a 148 break at snooker.
%
Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
%
Chuck Norris is allowed two carry-ons.
%
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
%
Chuck Norris is currently suing any broadway theater that plays "The Nutcracker". He claims its an infringement on his "other" roundhouse kick.
%
Chuck Norris is entitled to his own facts.
%
Chuck Norris is my Homeboy.
%
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
%
Chuck Norris is so hard, he uses diamonds as stress balls.
%
Chuck Norris is so scary, he makes sharks swim backwards away from him.
%
Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
%
Chuck Norris is the ghost in paranormal activity.
%
Chuck Norris is the life of parties he doesn't attend.
%
Chuck Norris is the meaning of life. Too bad he's also the meaning of death.
%
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
%
Chuck Norris is the only one who can tear a facebook page!
%
Chuck Norris is the reason that the world will end in 2012. He was getting bored with the Earth.
%
Chuck Norris is the reason tumbleweeds tumble.
%
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
%
Chuck Norris is waiting for Mt. St. Helens to erupt again. He's hoping the lava is hot enough to soften his beard so he can shave for the first time.
%
Chuck Norris isn't allowed at the zoo, because when he's there the animals are too terrified to come out of their cages.
%
Chuck Norris made a statue bleed.
%
Chuck Norris made the big bang just by clicking his fingers.
%
Chuck Norris never trains, because he's Chuck Norris.
%
Chuck Norris once cried just to see what it was like. The end result was the creation of life.
%
Chuck Norris once cut a knife with a stick of butter.
%
Chuck Norris once got a 200 yard punt return.
%
Chuck Norris once had a pet monkey named KING KONG.
%
Chuck Norris once had a street named after him. The name removed at once, because nobody crosses Chuck Norris, and lives.
%
Chuck Norris once had a weak moment, just to know what it felt like.
%
Chuck Norris once played Duck Duck Goose with a group of Kindergarteners. Only one kid made it to first grade.
%
Chuck Norris once proved p^~p by induction on his beard hairs.
%
Chuck Norris once punched the ground to stop an earthquake. The resulting aftershock caused the BP oil spill.
%
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
%
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a football. The astronomical society now considers it a planet.
%
Chuck Norris once thought he was wrong. He was, however, mistaken.
%
Chuck Norris once walked down a street with his fists in his pockets. He was then arrested for concealing two deadly weapons.
%
Chuck Norris once won the Tour de France riding a "big wheel".
%
Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
%
Chuck Norris owns all number 1 pencils.
%
Chuck Norris pees Adamantium.
%
Chuck Norris plays Texas Hold'Em with Zeus, every second Wednesday of the month.
%
Chuck Norris played "Got your Nose" with Voldemort and won.
%
Chuck Norris played the game of thrones and won.
%
Chuck Norris protects his bodyguards.
%
Chuck Norris rolled a 20 on a 6 sided die.
%
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.
%
Chuck Norris sent a BBM to an iPhone.
%
Chuck Norris shops at Sam's Club, but leaves without having his receipt checked.
%
Chuck Norris splattered tiger blood and Adonis' DNA on Charlie Sheen with 1 roundhouse kick!
%
Chuck Norris started Chuck Norris.
%
Chuck Norris starts his day with 6 live chickens, two cows, three pigs, and a boiling hot cup of pure fury.
%
Chuck Norris told me to put this here.
%
Chuck Norris uses a real mouse to move the cursor, type on the keyboard, write e-mails, code entire websites, and make coffee.
%
Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.
%
Chuck Norris was heard in a soundproof room!
%
Chuck Norris was once turned down for American Idol. When Simon was questioned about it, he replied "I'm retiring after this season". I wonder why?
%
Chuck Norris was originally in Mortal Kombat, but that version was deleted because no one can beat Chuck Norris in a fight.
%
Chuck Norris was the image used for Papa Smurf.
%
Chuck Norris was the reason why the Great Wall of China was constructed. It failed miserably.
%
Chuck Norris was what Willis was talking about.
%
Chuck Norris wasn't born on his birthday.
%
Chuck Norris watched the first steps on the moon... from his summer home on Mars.
%
Chuck Norris went up the creek without a paddle... or a canoe.
%
Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
%
Chuck Norris wins NASCAR races with all right turns.
%
Chuck Norris won a stepdance contest by standing on his hands.
%
Chuck Norris yells at drill Sergeants.
%
Chuck Norris' dog picks up after him.
%
Chuck Norris' films are factual documentaries.
%
Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
%
Chuck Norris' glass is never half full or half empty. It stays full even after he takes a drink.
%
Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
%
Chuck Norris' personal airplane is called Air Force Chuck.
%
Chuck Norris. Enough said.
%
Chuck Norris: even Naruto can't believe it.
%
Chuck Norris can make sour milk turn fresh.
%
Contrary to popular belief, Rome WAS built in a day, by Chuck Norris.
%
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
%
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on Earth.
%
Cops don't need badges in their wallets, but only a picture of Chuck Norris.
%
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
%
Did you hear about the boy who cried Chuck Norris?
%
Dog the Bounty Hunter can't track Chuck Norris down.
%
Don't get Chuck Norris angry. Last time somebody did that, Chuck Norris made the Grand Canyon.
%
Earth's rotation is purely governed by the direction that Chuck Norris is walking.
%
Ever wonder what really happened to the dinosaurs? They all dug their own graves when they heard Chuck Norris was coming.
%
Every line in a Chuck Norris haiku is "A roundhouse kick to the face." And they all have the correct number of syllables.
%
Every phobia known to man has a phobia of Chuck Norris.
%
Every time there's an earthquake, you know Chuck Norris is hungry. The earthquake is caused by his stomach growling.
%
Evolution's driving mechanism is nature's desperate attempt to escape Chuck Norris.
%
Fear of spiders is arachnophobia. Fear of tight spaces is claustrophobia. Fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic.
%
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
%
Ghosts can see Chuck Norris.
%
Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.
%
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?  No woodchuck could chuck Chuck's wood!
%
If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.
%
If Chuck Norris were to get into a fight with another Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris would win.
%
If God doesn't know, Chuck does.
%
If Goliath listened to Chuck Norris, he would have won.
%
If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
%
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
%
If you put in the correct cheat code in Halo 2, you can have Master Chief play without his helmet, revealing himself to be Chuck Norris.
%
If you see a man in the street who looks like Chuck Norris, but isn't, run: you don't want to be caught in the resulting roundhouse kick to his face.
%
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
%
In 1945 The US army asked if they could clone Chuck Norris. Instead he said he could sort out the Japanese.
%
In Texas, there are five sizes for fountain drinks: small, medium, large, Texas sized, and Chuck Norris sized.  It is a cup made of a human skull.
%
In a rain storm Chuck Norris stays dry. Rain drops are scared to hit him.
%
In the back of the book of world records, it says "All records are held by Chuck Norris. The ones listed are in second place."
%
James Bond has a license to kill. He got it from Chuck Norris.
%
Jedis are now taught to use the "Chuck".
%
MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.
%
Machiavelli said it is better to be feared than loved because he was inspired by Chuck Norris.
%
May the Force be with Chuck Norris... for its own good.
%
Merlin was Chuck Norris' assistant.
%
Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
%
Note to self: Don't be the cashier to tell Chuck Norris his coupons have expired.
%
Chuck Norris' keyboard has no control key. Chuck Norris is always in control.
%
Once upon a time, Chuck Norris found himself in a town called Shit Creek. He opened a Paddle Store.
%
One glance from Chuck Norris and snow turns itself yellow.
%
One time a test cheated on Chuck Norris.
%
Only Chuck Norris can win the mind game, 'cause he never minds.
%
Only Chuck Norris is stronger than an Altoid.
%
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
%
Ozzy Osbourne once accidentally bit the head off a live bat - Chuck Norris once deliberately bit the head off a live pterodactyl.
%
Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
%
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
%
Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
%
Simon doesn't say... Chuck Norris says.
%
Some boots were made for walking. Some boots may walk all over you, but Chuck Norris' boots walk THROUGH you.
%
Some kids pee their name in snow. Chuck Norris pees his name in concrete.
%
Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.
%
Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.
%
Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindness, and possibly foot sized bruises on the face.
%
Taking Karate Lessons = $100, Buying MMA DVD's = $150, Subscribing to a UFC event = $50, Getting a Roundhouse Kick from Chuck Norris = PRICELESS.
%
That's not an eclipse. That's the sun hiding from Chuck Norris.
%
The Beatles are on iTunes because Chuck Norris bought a Mac.
%
The Earth is made up of two-thirds water and one-third Chuck Norris.
%
The Earth was almost destroyed by a 50 km wide asteroid in 1984, but Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it into the Sun.
%
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
%
The Joneses are trying to keep up with Chuck Norris.
%
The Matrix Trilogy would have ended on the first movie had Keanu Reeves said, “I know Chuck Norris.”
%
The answer to life, the universe and everything isn't 42. It's Chuck Norris.
%
The apple falls far from the tree, when Chuck's roundhouse kick is taken to the trunk.
%
The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup. it's knowing that Chuck Norris let you live.
%
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
%
The dictionary references Chuck Norris several times, he is mentioned under Fear, Law, Order and Chucktatorship.
%
The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.
%
The letters in Chuck Norris cannot be unscrambled.
%
The only place where the Starship Enterprise refuses to boldly go is Chuck Norris' planet... which is all of them.
%
The only reason that USA lost the 2011 world cup to Japan is because Chuck Norris wasn't there.
%
The only sure things are Death and Taxes, and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
%
The only way sharks will come near CN underwater is when CN is inside of a cage.
%
The only word that rhymes with orange is Chuck Norris.
%
The producers of the movie "The Last Airbender" are now in talks with Chuck Norris in Order to star him in their next sequel "The Last Skull Bender".
%
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
%
The reason why Batman only comes out at night is because he's afraid he might encounter Chuck Norris in the morning and afternoon.
%
The red phone in the oval office rings directly to Chuck Norris' cell phone.
%
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
%
The square root of Chuck Norris is pain.  Do not try to square Chuck Norris. The result is death.
%
The sun only rises every morning because Chuck Norris allows it to.
%
The truth hurts, doesn't it? Chuck Norris' truth kills.
%
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
%
There is no limbo, only a world that doesn't know of Chuck Norris.
%
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
%
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
%
This one time at band camp... BAM! Chuck Norris.
%
Those who ignore history, are doomed by Chuck Norris.
%
Trick me once, shame on you, trick Chuck Norris.. rest in peace.
%
Unlike Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris doesn't need bullets. A quick roundhouse to the face kills twice as fast.
%
Walker: Texas Ranger went into syndication before the first episode was shot.
%
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
%
Whatever Chuck Norris wants, it will instantly appear.
%
When Betty White gets angry, she turns into the Hulk. When Valerie Bertinelli gets mad, she turns into Chuck Norris.
%
When Chuck Norris creates a login, it tells him "password not strong enough." He types in his name and it tells him "password too strong."
%
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
%
When Chuck Norris drinks water, the water automatically pasteurized.
%
When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he doesn't have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money.
%
When Chuck Norris goes to rodeos, bulls ride him.
%
When Chuck Norris goes to the library, he looks for the Guinness book of records in the comedy section.
%
When Chuck Norris inhales helium, his voice doesn't change.
%
When Chuck Norris performs a roundhouse kick, he's actually measuring the circumference of the universe.
%
When Chuck Norris played the card game War with a friend, France surrendered.
%
When Chuck Norris pokes the Pillsbury Doughboy, it's not a laughing matter.
%
When Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicks you, he decides when you will feel the impact.
%
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
%
When Chuck Norris tosses a coin, it lands on both heads and tails.
%
When God said "Let there be light!", Chuck Norris said "Only for half the day."
%
When Presidents speak, their nation listens. When Chuck Norris blinks, the whole world listens.
%
When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
%
When chuck Norris was in school, he made his PE teacher run laps.
%
When does Chuck Norris run out of shotgun bullets? whenever he wants to.
%
When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.
%
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
%
When things go bump in the night, it's Chuck Norris
%
While visiting the Hexagon, Chuck Norris was asked to demonstrate his famous roundhouse kick. Henceforth, it has been known as the Pentagon.
%
Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because Chuck Norris got to it first.
%
You know Chuck Norris' pet lizard, right? Last I heard, he was in the movie "Godzilla". Oh, and his pet turtle starred in "Gamera" as well.
%
http://chucknorrisfacts.com/ is built in Drupal because Chuck Norris knows a good CMS when he sees one.
%
Chuck Norris made the first Giraffe by uppercutting a horse.
%
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
%
Chuck Norris make onions cry.
%
Chuck Norris doesn't shake hands, he makes them tremble.
%